Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. I am a forty-year-old wife, mother, blogger, personal finance enthusiast, optimist, former software developer and achiever of financial independence. I’m referring to months of saving and then truly experiencing the payoff. If you haven’t read it yet, take a gander and then pop back over here. Yes, of course, it does. Thanks in part to the markets and my husband’s continued drive to work. July 30, 2019 by One Frugal Girl 4 Comments. We are having very different experiences. “I found out in December 2015 that my oldest daughter and my husband were messing around behind my … Some do a better job than others of keeping their skills up-to-date and their network intact. Most of us have little to no income. Let alone reach FI alone? I’ve worked ever since I was 16, I paid my way through college and graduate school, I bought every car I’ve ever owned. Sit down, give the … I was all over it—that is until I entered into a wonderful relationship and became financially dependent. I would urge all new parents to run the numbers before leaping to stay home. We are interdependent. Now, as a grown woman, it’s very strange to be financially dependent on someone else, especially when I never wanted to be dependent on even my own dad. I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. But I would argue that stay-at-home moms are not the only ones who are financially dependent. I hate feeling like I am stuck in a problem with no solution. Frequently, dependent spouses build up a nest egg before children and then spend it all on family needs once they’ve given up work. This is true whether you stay-home or continue to work. Your story is quite similar to mine in many aspects. I thought I knew for sure what I wanted to do, and then, at the last minute, I changed my mind. A fact that I am still grateful for. Making a spouse financially dependent on you is a great way to control your spouse. In the past seven years, I’ve missed out on $1 million worth of potential income. These are difficult questions to answer. They need to know how to log in to bank accounts, where money comes from, how much insurance the employed spouse has, etc. Kids are expensive – and so is life! I’m lucky to live without any financial needs, and I wouldn’t trade in this relationship for more money. It’s time to modern up and abolish the … Here’s What Your Zodiac Sign Suggests, They Might Not Seem Like It, But These 12 Things Are Emotional Abuse, 17 Life Struggles Of Women Who Are Naturally Loud, It’s Time To Finally Give Up On That Guy Who’s Not Into You, Why Not Having Kids Is Something You Should Seriously Think About, The More Amazing You Are, The Harder It Is To Find Love, Women Are Getting Married Less And Less — And The Reason Why Might Shock You, 7 Subtle Signs You’re Hotter Than You Think, These New Dating Terms Illustrate Just How Awful Dating Has Become, I Was Emotionally Available Until I Dated Way Too Many Guys Who Weren’t. Also, remember that life is long. You Feel Anxiety All The Time While In The Relationship. People with dependency concerns often put all their eggs in one basket — depending on a marital or parental relationship to satisfy all their needs for socialization, recreation, and affection. It’s hard not to contribute financially and it sucks that as human beings we tie our value and worth to how much money we make. Not living this way was to fail and to let people down. I feel pretty worthless. In 2011 I left my high-paying job to become a stay-at-home mom. I made a mistake marrying him and want a divorce, but everything is in his name, including our car. My husband saved more than half of that amount. You say you don’t want a divorce, well, you better get into marriage counseling, and find a financial adviser for your husband to visit and get real about your finances. I am also a stay at home mom, and I think you forgot to mention that while yes, I am financially dependant on my husband, he depends on me for caring for our children and our home. In fact, by the time I walked away from work, I saved over $155,000 in my 401k. It's become unhealthy for me and for my daughter for her to always be around, what should I do? And that they work together to ensure their finances are solid and their bases are covered. I quit college when I was only 12 credits away from receiving my degree when we had our baby, and I have never returned. I should point out that there is nothing wrong with mutual financial dependence. Keep some money in your own name. I, personally, have not done an excellent job at either of those chores. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. Hold on to those pockets of time to do something meaningful that could turn into a career down the road. It means swallowing (or force feeding yourself) a lot of pride. A reader sent me a long email in response to that post. We should all feel disheartened by this fact. I am very independent and will make sure to be able to afford anything I want. It felt strange to give up on that suddenly. I stepped into that position after saving for over a decade. I'm 26 and the person I am dependent on is my mother. My skills are certainly rustier than they once were, and my experience more outdated. At the time, I didn't know much about financial abuse—when one partner controls the other through money. Who may claim the children as dependents on the tax return? I don’t know how old you are or how old your kids are, but if they are young it does get better as they get bigger. When men make more than 70 percent of the household income, they again become more likely to cheat. My husband and I have always been equal partners in those areas of our lives and I think all partners should be. Receiving isn’t my strong point. Unfortunately it was my mom who was/is overly financially dependent on my dad. Did you know that women earn less than 18% of all computer science degrees? You may not earn as much as your spouse, but you should still be 100% vested in the outcome of your partner’s paychecks. It is more common for a woman to depend on her spouses’ paychecks than to live comfortably without them. Let’s begin with these questions: Do you depend on your partner for financial support? My skills at that time were up-to-date and in demand. Still, I do struggle with this. I just didn’t realize it at the time. Most stay-at-home parents are aware of this problem. I am so jealous of his position. Consequently, knowing how to identify financial ab… Terms of Service, I’m Financially Dependent On My Partner And It Sucks, You Know You’re In An Almost Relationship If You’re Sending Him These Texts, 12 Reasons You’re Single Even Though You’re A Catch, 14 Little Things That Look Like Love But Are Actually Manipulation, “Duty Dating” Is A Thing And You Need To Start Doing It ASAP, I Didn’t Understand Why I Kept Ending Up With Toxic Guys Until I Realized These Important Things, What’s Your Hottest Quality? What do I think about depending on my husband for financial support? It’s never been appealing to anyone. I wish I could start building my career now, but I would have to start at the bottom of any career after being out of the workforce for over 14 years. They Control All Your Income. There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.). I feel ashamed to make less than a man. So I’ll try again. It’s certainly cheaper for two people to maintain a household than it is for two people to maintain separate residences. If I’m not good at making money, I feel like I have to be good at lots of other things. That doesn’t include proceeds from the properties we could have sold. How do I feel about being financially dependent on my husband? My husband and I were separated the last 11 months of the year and our two minor children lived with me for a greater part of the year than they lived with my husband. “How?” you might ask. To level the playing ground, we need to introduce young women to STEM and show them how to solve complex problems. He provided the paychecks so I could stay at home with our children. They can also learn that saving money is just as important as earning it. I am writing a novel. But their life choices tell a different story. However, as Munsch notes, the chances of men engaging in infidelity when they make significantly more than their wives is "relatively small" compared to the increased likelihood of cheating that occurs when men become financially dependent. The issue is not just about lacking income. Thank you for your comment. There is no denying that fact. Yes it would cost money for him to do so, but those responsibilities could be outsourced. I was guaranteed a small pension worth roughly $1,200 per month. ... Now I've become my husband's financial … I no longer feel like an equal member of our team. Wouldn’t you? You don’t want to pause your career until you feel confident about your finances. I'm a college student with one more year to go. I will be worse off than when I started. That might make me sound like an extremely empty and shallow millennial but the truth is, money’s not a bad thing and you kind of need it. Many married working women are also financially dependent. Being poor has never been appealing to me. But this arrangement has taught me about my own money issues, and maybe more importantly, it’s taught me about my own struggles with self-worth. My husband works full-time, and I am dependent on him for financial support. The working woman already has a job, a career, a trajectory, and a means to make more money. Here’s how I’m wrapping my head around becoming financially dependent on my spouse. Apr 7 2015 at 6:00 AM Photo: Getty. I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. Our finances were front and center in my decision-making process. I think it’s also not having a say at the financial table. The list goes on and on. That includes families where both parents work, but I think it is even more important in situations with a stay-at-home parent. With money comes power, and since my boyfriend earns most of the money, I feel like I need to acquiesce to his preferences since, let’s face it, he’s got more money. I spent many years focused on increasing my salary and saving. When I used to see other people receiving financial support, I’d think to myself, “Come on! Few would have the opportunity to do so. Stay-at-home parents don’t need to invest the money, but they need to know that the money is invested. I have to dress well. I believe I work hard but at this point in my life, my income doesn’t reflect that. I think my children greatly benefit from having me at home with them, and homeschooling is something that I am passionate about, but it doesn’t take away the feelings of shame and degradation over not being able to contribute something meaningful to the world, and help provide for my family. However, I couldn’t gain access to it until I reached retirement age. I used to think that it must be so easy to sit back and let other people pay your way but, to be honest, it’s really difficult. On being financially dependent on my husband As inspired by one of our featured SAHM stories, I asked the question on my Instagram stories: “What are your thoughts on being financially dependent on your husband or partner?” It is a topic that I feel is widely relevant to stay-at-home moms. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is the truth. Audrey Bea I know there are ways to move forward, but I am having a lot of trouble seeing them. The answers will depend on the reason why one spouse is dependent on the other. Of course, it does. Even though I have no financial worries, I still face lots of shame. Create a plan to leave your marriage – it’ll make asking for financial help easier. We also need to stress the importance of subjects like math and science and provide female role models to meet and aspire to become. It can weigh heavily on the spouse who works and the spouse who stays at home. The previous check was sizable, too, as it included the payout of unused vacation leave and other miscellaneous items. (Duh!) The ironic thing is, if I have to be gone for a few days & Roger is at home by himself I have heard him teasingly laughed at by both sides of our family. I’m not talking about instant gratification here. I am homeschooling our seven children, and I work hard at home, but I still feel awful. These financial details provide critical details to my decision-making process. Both stay-at-home moms and working moms face financial dependence. When I left the workforce, I was completely aware of my marketable skills. It’s not that I’ve ever dreamed of being wealthy—having enough to enjoy simple pleasures was always enough for me. My husband’s income was more than enough to cover all our bills and still invest a lot. Ask to be connected with other women who were financially dependent, who rebuilt their lives. My husband’s company and his salary eventually made up for my lost income, so I never felt the need to worry about becoming destitute or broke. It isn’t a lot of work and if you set up monthly meetings it’s incredibly easy to do. I knew I could return to work if the need arose. Sometimes it feels that way, but then it’s important for me to remember that nothing good ever comes from being anti-man just because you’re pro-woman. I think that you should keep dreaming big dreams. It feels okay because we have a ridiculously large safety net. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. You’re a superhero for reading all of this whining. DMCA Policy While there are certainly breadwinning women in the world and kudos to them, there are plenty of other women who could not support their current lifestyle entirely on their own. My confidence grows each time I log in to my bank accounts. It serves as the backdrop for the words that follow. Nurses and teachers don’t get paid as well as doctors and engineers. March 15, 2016 at 6:11 pm. What helped my peace of mind was consistently checking our finances. From an early age, I learned to see myself through the lense of self-sufficiency and strong work ethic. What makes it worse is that I tend to be quite driven, and my husband is pretty passionless in his career pursuits and small-minded in his vision of the future. I have more time now than I did when my boys were little. 5 TIPS TO LESSEN YOUR FINANCIAL RISK. There is no reason you cannot step into a career later in life. Maybe there is one, but I can’t see it from inside this problem. Are You Financially Dependent On Your Spouse? Nonetheless, I do love a good dose of ownership and being able to stamp “mine” onto anything I’ve purchased. I gave up my job to move to a different state to be with him. I amassed those large sums of money long before I conceived my first child. I was financially dependent on mine. I like to consider myself a strong and independent woman—don’t we all? In fact, a study by the Centers for Financial Security found that 99 percent of domestic violence cases also involved financial abuse. We also saved a ton of money despite my decision to stay home. That seemed lazy, irresponsible and irritating to me. 0. As a teenager, I was told to pursue my passions while my male classmates were told to increase their profits. Could you pay all of your bills and maintain your current standard of living without help from anyone else? Some families make a collective decision that one parent will stay home with the kids, therefore if that was the decision they made together then all parties should respect that regardless of divorce. What's more, financial abuse is often the first sign of dating violence and domestic abuse. Periodical Payments can be ordered at the conclusion of Divorce and Financial Matters, these are payments out of the income of your husband, this type of order is known by the … Women have come a long way from helplessly sitting in towers, waiting to be rescued. “Her husband keeps all the financial … The purpose of this post was also to point out that most of us are financially dependent. I was offered the position along with a slightly higher salary than my previous one. Money gives you freedom of choice and power. I am 100% financially dependent on my husband because I am a student with a 1 year old. I never felt bad for being dependent on my husband, but I did feel guilty for giving up my income. Hi. And all those lovely expenses like rent, groceries, phone and hospital bills? They say money isn’t everything but it kind of is. I’m afraid I’ll end up in a stereotypical sexist relationship. Am I letting my feminist sisters down because I’m now dependent on a man’s income? More specifically, she had a couple of questions she wanted to ask: I stared at the words on my computer screen and read the email in its entirety fifteen or twenty times in a row. I recently wrote a post called Quitting My Six-Figure Job. We are both 100% dependent on each other. I have to be beautiful all the time. For starters, young women are still encouraged to work in lower-paying fields. After all, you can’t reach financial independence without saving and investing it. I have to socially affable. What if a young girl has big dreams that cost money? Why do different genders receive such different messages? They don’t need to buy insurance, but they need to know that it has been purchased, etc. Small snippets of time to write and focus. Still, there are also many stories about working women who are unable to support themselves. If that weren’t the case, alimony would never be granted to working women. Contributing in non-financial ways is extremely important, but this post was focused on the monetary aspects of becoming a stay-at-home parent and thereby becoming financially dependent. women earn less than 18% of all computer science degrees, How to Live Simply: My Plan for Living With Less, Know Your Worth: Value Yourself Beyond Money, How To Live Your Best Life Without a Lot of Money. Well, at least hopefully it will be. With these skills, they can study, graduate, and move on to high-paying careers. If you have passion and interest you can climb the ladder quickly no matter how old you are. We should also ensure every girl is as comfortable and competent with a calculator as her male counterparts. I'm still uncomfortable with being financially dependent on my spouse. It comes when I know we can pay our bills and credit cards. I did not walk blindly into my new role as a stay-at-home mom. My husband works out of town and she is my only other companion. If you ask women whether they want to depend on a man to support them, most will say no. Your email address will not be published. Please don’t minimize the contributions of stay at home moms. 1. Now, I see that maybe I’ve been super prideful and arrogant when it comes to money. If your paycheck goes directly to your partner, or directly into their … And if men are groomed to provide for themselves, then why aren’t women? I didn’t leave my job with mere pennies in my bank account. This blog is my story. Exchanging money is what helps you feel like you’re taking an active part in creating your life the way you envision it. Still, there’s something truly satisfying about saving up and treating yourself to something special. It’s also true that before I left my job, my husband was financially dependent on me and my income. When I asked my ever-wise husband about his opinion, he pointed out that just because one spouse might be financially dependent on the other at … Lets … I set up an interview for a new job weeks after I received the news. She doesn’t need to work, but being financially dependent scares her,” says Susan Robinson*, an executive who lives in New Jersey. I spent the first twelve years of my career earning and saving money. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your lifestyle have to change? Now I've become my husband's financial burden. Shirley says. Also, it pays nothing. Send me an e-mail or visit my website holtcpafirm.com.. I’m sounding off in this article so men listen up! Talk about a disaster. If my husband and I divorced, I would’ve walked away with half a million dollars. 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